Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
