i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
