i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
