Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
