Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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