There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
