I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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