from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
