are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
