I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
