My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
