My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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