I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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