When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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