Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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