Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
