My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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