My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
