I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There's always time for handjobs
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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