$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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