Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
