Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
