The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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