Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
