Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
