any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
