watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
