idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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