thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think we might need a safe word for this...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
