Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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