life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
