3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
