i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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