bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
