My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
