The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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