I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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