i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
