I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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