so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
