just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
