Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
