i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
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its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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