I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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