I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
