I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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