I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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