Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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