the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
