theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
