My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
