I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
