can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
