hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
