Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
