i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
