i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
