I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Life is so much better after having sex.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.