The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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