Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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