Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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