Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
