I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
