saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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