I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
